Is there such a thing as not enough Metamucil?

I think the answer to both questions is now obvious -- that is, unless one is deliberately trying to establish a negative pavlovian response to large quantities of ice cream.

I have been on vacation this past week, and the roller coaster of life has actually been rather enjoyable. Is it because I'm on vacation? Or is it just because I'm not at work? If it's the latter, then I'm in trouble. I've probably got the best deal around in terms of my job - a company with a socially responsible mission and that (albeit awkwardly) strives to engage staff in a democratic management style; hoards of wonderful coworkers; a boss who is infinitely patient, supportive and encouraging; and a whole chain of command that is willing to tolerate the interference my roller coaster can cause at times - and who all do so with genuine compassion and support. If that's not good enough for me, then maybe I'm just not cut out for this "work" stuff.

Unfortunately, I'm not really cut out for this "life outside of work" stuff either.

Since there's not much in between those two realms (other than sleep), my challenge is to try and make the best of both. And that's what I've been working on while I've been off this week: improving my life outside of work by (1) cogitating extensively on what the hell I want to do with my free time; (2) doing things that I like to do, and which I often have no energy to do when I'm working eight hours a day; and (3) working on improving my living conditions, which have sadly deteriorated into something just above slum conditions ("Please excuse the mess" just wasn't going to cut it anymore). And improving my work life by (1) cogitating extensively on what the hell I want to do with my working time; and (2) communicating with my boss about my needs.

More specifically, the "problem" (at the moment, at least) seems to be that my depression and suicidal thoughts are so frequently triggered throughout the work day that I feel like I've been beaten up emotionally by the time I get home. These triggers rarely have anything to do with my work (these days, at least), but rather are a product of my social inferiority complex. I kick ass as a teller, but as a friend to my coworkers I am psychologically inept. (Here, again, however, I am blessed with scads of understanding, supportive, loving, hug-filled coworkers.) It's a complex and evolving problem -- and certainly not one without its successes -- but the fact remains that whatever I've been doing for the past three years isn't working (or isn't working anymore). My ability to fight my triggers in the moment waxes and wanes over time, but lately it hasn't waxed at all. Something has got to change, and I'm pleased to report that my boss is being very cooperative and supportive as we seek a solution that will allow me to feel like it's a sustainable place for me to work. Otherwise, I fear that unemployment and disability may be my lot. Since I actually love my job, it would be a shame if I couldn't make it work.

In regard to the "Outside of Work" realm, I'm also re-evaluating my priorities. In general, everyone encourages me to be more socially engaged - try new things, meet new people, find a boyfriend, keep up the established relationships, etc. And while none of that is "bad" advice, I'm realizing that by focusing so much on trying to maintain my social life I have allowed my individual life to fall by the wayside. To some extent I think everyone needs alone-time as well as not-alone-time. But the balance between the two is going to be different for everyone, and I haven't been balancing them very well. As a result, I feel guilty and stressed when I'm alone, because I'm not calling people back or making enough dinner dates etc; and when I AM with people, I become resentful that I'm not home relaxing with a good book or doing any of a number of Monte things that I like to do. The result of this conflict is that I've been quite unwell for the past couple months.

In my quest to resurrect my comatose individual life, I'm pushing hard just now against the "You've got to socialize more, Monte!" argument (by, for example, turning my phone and answering machine off, as some of you have no doubt discovered). And this gets me back to the beginning of this epistle: that I'm really enjoying my vacation. I'm doing all sorts of Monte things -- reading, writing, birdwatching, taking long baths, crunching data on the computer, getting my finances in order, playing with my blogs, starting to learn html, watching Titanic for the first time in too long, sleeping whenever I want, and so on. And I'm getting lots of chores done too (I'm far from "done" with housecleaning, but at least now I CAN say "Excuse the mess" without asking for a whole lot). And though I've mostly been a hermit, I'm trying to be careful to not push people away permanently. As I get my individual life more in order, I expect to expand my social life gradually until I achieve a balance that I can happily sustain.

Lastly, it dawned on me that it's probably not all that constructive to post a whole lot of gloom-and-doom on here when I'm falling apart. At least until people have a more complete idea of what my roller coaster is like, it doesn't make sense to just drag everyone along with me. So, although I'll certainly report the twists and turns here, I will try to avoid multiple consecutive postings that essentially just say, "I'm still as miserable today as I was yesterday" and which promote excessive worrying rather than being simply imformative.

Thanks again to everyone for your support and love and patience as I stumble through life.

Love,

Monte