Monte Report for October 2006

I decided that it would be better to post shorter, but more frequent reports, starting last month. But that hasn't happened. I will try and keep this one short though, so maybe this will be a start to a new pattern.

A few days ago I got back from a week-long vacation to Arizona, most of which was spent with family, with some birdwatching thrown in here and there. This trip came at a time when I had been feeling pretty rotten, but was using a new medication (Abilify). Although there were some rough moments during that week, overall I had a great time. When it was over, I drove home all in one day (over 850 miles) and yet was full of energy when I got home. I was excited about the possibility that this new med was kicking in and helping me stay on an even, positive keel. The true test seemed to be this: would my mood stay up once I was back home and back at work? Much to my dismay, it didn't. Literally minutes after walking in to work I was being bombarded with triggers that I was unable to dodge. This is despite the fact that I love my coworkers dearly and I know that they love me -- and despite the fact that I was actually enjoying the work I was doing. It really is an odd feeling to be suicidal while enjoying myself -- but it is a skill that I am unfortunately good at. I've had one good evening this week -- the one evening that I had dinner plans with friends. Otherwise my evenings have been awful -- brief but awful: brief because I am drugged and asleep as soon as humanly possible once I'm home. This is no way to live my life, where all my waking moments are spent at work, constantly dodging irrational emotional bullets, and all my home-time is spent asleep. Each day this week my level of misery has deepened, and today I had to leave work early -- not an easy thing for me to do, given the added guilt that comes along with leaving the department short-handed. Tomorrow I see my thyroid doctor (the one who called the police on me in May!) and I'm hoping that my lab results will explain why I'm having such a rough time, and that an adjustment to my thyroid med will help things out. We'll see.

In other news, my Mom started her chemo yesterday. I'll try and post another Monte Report in a week, and I'll include an update on how she's doing.