Late March Monte Report

The month of March was a continuation of February -- okay for the most part, stressful at work, somewhat difficult weekends . . . The last two weekends I spent mainly on my bed watching TV (dozens of reruns of the West Wing, to be precise). Today is Saturday, though, and I did manage to drag myself to a local park and go on a four mile hike. And I think I might do it again tomorrow!

This month saw the first significant change in my medications in a while. I've stopped taking Seroquel, which was too sedating, and replaced it with Celexa. I'm also weaning myself off of Abilify -- an expensive drug that I feel wasn't really doing much for me anyway. So far, except for some unpleasant side effects, the switch to Celexa has been without any trouble. I look forward to seeing how it works in the long-term.

A sad event touched my life this past week: one of the four Oakland police officers who were killed last weekend was a Facebook friend of mine. He and I went to junior high and high school together, and marched next to each other in marching band. His death really saddened me.

This month's quote from Dr. Allen's book Coping With Depression:

"[T]he cumulative stresses of ordinary life might be enough to trigger a depressive episode in individuals with sufficient biological vulnerability. ... Granted ... much stress that leads to depression is utterly unavoidable. Yet much other stress that leads to depression -- most notably stress in interpersonal relationships -- is partly self-generated, albeit often unknowingly and unintentionally. ... You have some leverage over problems in living, and you need to make use of it so as to recover and remain well." [pg 93-94]

This concept is what keeps me fighting, knowing that I have some control over my situation. With respect to interpersonal relationships -- and in particular my relationship with my boss -- I have a lot of say in how the relationship evolves. Of course, it takes two to tango, and I have no control over his actions -- but I do have some control over my reactions to his actions. And therein lies the rub: how are my reactions making things worse? I have negative reactions to his actions pretty much daily, so I need to practice controlling these reactions. Xanax helps some, but I can't rely on a drug to improve my relationship with my boss. Lately I've been trying to distance myself from him, and this has helped somewhat. But how should I respond when he reaches out to me? Calmly, coolly and collectedly, I think is the answer. We'll see how that goes . . .