A Whiney Year End Monte Report

Well, I must say that 2006 was a pretty sucky year for me, and I'm not at all disappointed that it's ending. My issues with depression and suicidal rumination have persisted relentlessly over the past few months, trending towards "worse" rather than "better." Changes in my medication regimen seem not to be helping at all. To be blunt, my "problem" is that I'm having trouble coming up with a fool-proof suicide plan. I learned in May that although I'm capable of cutting myself enough to get handcuffed and taken away in a police car, I also learned that I don't have what it takes to really cut myself enough to bleed to death. So, what's a suicidal perfectionist to do when they can't conjure up a suicide plan that is guaranteed to work? Well, what I do is lay in bed for hours and hours and hours; neglect my laundry and dirty dishes; and try my best to show up for work as scheduled and work hard while I'm there. It's certainly plausible that I would spend all of my time in bed if I wasn't working, but I wonder if maybe my job is causing more hurt than help. I am certainly surrounded by extraordinarily caring people at work - a circumstance that is not likely to be easily found at another job. But the sad fact is that the organization I work for (like all organizations, I suppose) also suffers its own version of dysfunctionality, and it just so happens that the sort of dysfunction I encounter at work is of a sort that easily triggers my depression. And worst of all is the fact that for several years now my greatest strengths at work have been put on the back burner because of that dysfunctionality: the organization is terrified of spending money in order to make money, and as a result the strengths I bring to my job no longer boost my self-esteem like they once did. Back when the organization understood that it's worth it to have me pursue more complicated projects rather than just working on the front line all the time, we had a win-win situation going. Now, the opposite is the case: because my strengths are disregarded, I am left to wonder if I bring anything special to my job anymore. And if not, I'm left with the conclusion that this is "just a job" and I'm "just another employee." I long ago got used to being an outstanding employee. Now that I'm not, I'm wondering if I'd be better off moving away. That decision, though, may ultimately get made for me: at some point in 2007, my disability benefits will run out, and if I am unable to resume full-time work, then I'll have no choice but to move away, tagging along with my parents as they head north into retirement.

In the meantime, I expect I'll continue to slog through life, enjoying very little of it. Though I do try and engage myself in fun activities, it's extraordinarily difficult to do so, whether it involves time with friends/family or time spent solo on my hobbies.
I'm suffering from that "bug in a cup" syndrome: I can't see anything around me except the walls of the cup, and though I know intuitively that there are great things outside of my cup, I can't see them because I keep sliding back to the bottom every time I try and climb out. And I'm tired of trying to climb out. So, instead, I sit at the bottom of my cup, feeling sorry for myself, hoping someone will just do me a favor by filling the cup full of scalding hot coffee.