Late May Monte Report

I'm back in California now, awaiting the next step in the Life of Monte: moving to Washington. I don't yet know when exactly that will take place, but probably before the end of June.

In Arizona I got plenty of practice at finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It wasn't easy, but in time I got pretty good at it. This seems important because it will be more of a challenge in Washington where I'll be living alone (albeit very near to dozens of relations, including my parents). When I'm not being distracted by something (like a movie, or going out to eat with family, or whatever), I'm still very vulnerable to my triggers - many of which instigate their torturing of my mind without much in the way of external help. A thought will spawn a memory which will tumble through other memories until it reaches an unpleasant psychological whack in the head -- and my depression and suicidal thinking will burst into full bloom, all because of an avalanche of thinking that started out with a benign thought. For example, I just looked out the window and noticed how green the front lawn is. This led to thinking about mowing the lawn, which led to thinking about how much effort goes into maintaining golf courses, which reminded me of how much I wanted to learn to golf, which reminded me of all the times I didn't get invited to go golfing with others, which reminded me of how much I suck at golf, which reminded me of how much I suck at pretty much all sports, which leads me to feel unworthy of continued existence on the planet. All because I looked out the window and noticed the lawn.

Such avalanches of self-abusive thinking are my biggest stumbling block right now. Fortunately, I can usually step back and say to myself, "This is an irrational thought pattern, Monte." Unfortunately, the self-destructive yearning tends to linger even so. This is the sort of pattern that was happening constantly at work, and which has landed me in the position of not being able to work at all just now. My challenge is to find ways to tame this sort of thinking. In the past, I had some measure of success using the tools of "cognitive behavior therapy," but those methods lost their effectiveness. My error, I believe, was focusing too much on a small number of tools. As I move forward, I hope to harness the power of a much greater arsenal, so that no single method loses its effectiveness through overuse.

I'll end with a photo my sister took of some birds that are awaiting me in Washington, Evening Grosbeaks.