Early July Monte Report

Although at the moment I'm feeling relatively normal, I have had some really bad days since my last post. I've been back to ruminating at length on ways (and wheres) to commit suicide. I find myself triggered very easily. Pathetically, my "best" days are days when I have little contact with other human beings. My social anxieties are just at the extreme end of the spectrum lately. Paradoxically, though, I also crave contact with other people. I've been trying to take one friend's advice of focusing on "one day at a time." By pretending that tomorrow doesn't exist yet, I've managed to stumble through an endless series of todays. But some days just seem to painful to endure.

By the end of this month I should be firmly settled in my new Washington home. I don't know if that will be good or bad. One good thing is that it will give me the opportunity to focus on getting better. But will I be able to make good use of my time? We'll see. Right now I'm spending about 12 hours a day in bed, sometimes more if you take naps into account. At the same time I'm experiencing an awful lot of insomnia (even with my sleeping medications).

Some of you have inquired about my Mom -- she's doing pretty well, having finished all her chemo and radiation. And she's not bald anymore. Now it's a game of wait and see, to see if any problems show up over the next few months. But considering the fact that the treatment was aggressive, and that the cancer was confined to the breast, the outlook appears good.

Today's bird of the day is the Brown-headed Cowbird. Next time I see you, ask me about its strange nesting habits.