Monte Report for September 2006

(Obviously, I'm behind schedule in my attempt to post monthly reports . . .)

Things continue to look bleak. Although there have been some "up" times in the past several weeks, the depressed moods and suicidal ideation have dominated my daily existence. My doctor and I are trying to tweak my meds to help stabilize me, but the only thing that has worked was that drug I was taking back in May and June - the one I had to stop taking because of the rash that developed.

As for the things that may be contributing to this sad state of affairs, many people are assuming that my mother's recent diagnosis of breast cancer would throw me for a loop. Although it IS very upsetting, it isn't triggering irrational thought patterns. Perhaps more significant are a couple other things going on: there has been a lot of turnover at work since June, and quite a few of the people who have left are people that help hold the safety net for me when I begin to fall down at work. Their departures leave me feeling vulnerable, and I'm more worried than ever about being a burden to the remaining "safe" people at work. Plus, I'm fretting in advance over who might be the next person to "abandon" me. -- Another event that has messed with my head was the murder of my favorite checker at the grocery store just up the road from my house. She was my cashier the day before she was killed. She was young, pregnant and incredibly friendly, and her body was found not too far from where I live.

My ability to eek even a slight amount of enjoyment out of any activity has deteriorated dramatically. I've abandoned my use of The Monte Mood scale because I didn't have the energy to continue recording the data. (Some people have suggested that I spent too much time on it anyway, so maybe this is a good thing.) Right now, about the only things that help my mood (besides the occasional lunch or dinner with a friend) are ice cream and surfing eBay. But even the lunches or dinners with friends have the ability to contribute to my anxiety and twisted thinking, and so it takes effort to socialize and enjoy myself. As for larger gatherings (parties etc), they are essentially out of the question.

Anyhow, I am at a point where I feel like it's time to seriously consider making a drastic change. Maybe I'd be better off not working at all for a while, thus avoiding the things at work that trigger my irrational thinking. Maybe I'd be better off moving to Washington (I just got back from a quick trip to my parents' new place up there - I was able to see myself living there and staying sane, and I really didn't want to come back home.)

Of course, these sorts of changes are complicated by issues like health insurance and deriving some source of income to sustain myself - not to mention the fact that I REALLY like the apartment I live in, or the fact that I've got an employer and a boss who go out of their way to try and accommodate my needs when I'm at my worst.

Anyhow, if it seems like I'm being more unresponsive than usual to emails and voicemails (if, indeed, it's even possible to get any worse at responding to them), it's simply a result of my increasingly unmanageable depression.