Late June Monte Report

Enough things are going wrong that by all rights I should be in a rotten mood. The mobile home that I'm moving into is a rat-infested, cat-invaded, faulty-plumbing disaster area with a Yellow-bellied Marmot living underneath, and is located in a mosquito-filled (albeit beautiful) valley. I've made four 1700-mile round trips over the past several months to the place. Yesterday I found out that my state disability paperwork is out-of-date and I may owe the state of California several thousand dollars. My prescriptions are running out because I thought I'd have new doctors by now who could help me manage them. The Long-term Disability insurance company through my work is being unhelpful. I'm contemplating cashing in my 401(k) plan. And blah blah blah.

But I'm not in a rotten mood. I'm not sure why, but it might be due in part to a unilateral decision I made to reduce the dosage of one of my medications which is used for squelching mood swings -- perhaps it was squelching them too much and keeping me in a down-mood state. Plus, my parents are helping tremendously toward getting the mobile home transformed into a habitable state -- and it will soon be a clean, cozy home.

Still, I'm very nervous about the future. What if my disability checks cease before I'm able to return to work? Where am I going to find work once I am ready? Am I going to be able to drag myself out of bed each day in the meantime? Am I going to be devastatingly lonely living in this new place? What if -- after all this effort to move to Washington -- I decide I'm ready to return to my old job and want to move back here? Will they even take me back?

So, like I said, I "ought" to be a mess. Just a couple days ago I was feeling quite hopeless and self-destructive, and found myself abusing my sleeping medications in order to cope, but at least today I'm feeling relatively calm. Hopefully this will last.

Early June Monte Report

In a month or so, if all goes according to plan, I can expect to be settling into my new home in Washington: a single-wide mobile home across the road from the house my parents will be living in. At this point though, the house needs a lot of work - new carpet, lots of painting, and some major plumbing work. I'm excited about the fact that I'll soon be settled, however I'm feeling pretty miserable in the meantime. I'm stressed about getting all the work on the house done; I'm dealing with an obstinate disability insurance company which is only making me more disabled; I'm mourning over my inability to keep my job and maintain the daily friendships I'd developed there; and I'm feeling incapacitated by a slew of triggers that keep whapping me upside the head. The fact that I have something to look forward to (the new home in Washington) is about the only thought that successfully battles the suicidal thoughts that dance in my head. This waiting game is just wearing me out. Once I get moved up there, though, I'm sure I'll face new problems, like loneliness and fears about whether/when I should begin to seek a new job. But, one step at a time, I suppose.