Late May Monte Report

I'm back in California now, awaiting the next step in the Life of Monte: moving to Washington. I don't yet know when exactly that will take place, but probably before the end of June.

In Arizona I got plenty of practice at finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It wasn't easy, but in time I got pretty good at it. This seems important because it will be more of a challenge in Washington where I'll be living alone (albeit very near to dozens of relations, including my parents). When I'm not being distracted by something (like a movie, or going out to eat with family, or whatever), I'm still very vulnerable to my triggers - many of which instigate their torturing of my mind without much in the way of external help. A thought will spawn a memory which will tumble through other memories until it reaches an unpleasant psychological whack in the head -- and my depression and suicidal thinking will burst into full bloom, all because of an avalanche of thinking that started out with a benign thought. For example, I just looked out the window and noticed how green the front lawn is. This led to thinking about mowing the lawn, which led to thinking about how much effort goes into maintaining golf courses, which reminded me of how much I wanted to learn to golf, which reminded me of all the times I didn't get invited to go golfing with others, which reminded me of how much I suck at golf, which reminded me of how much I suck at pretty much all sports, which leads me to feel unworthy of continued existence on the planet. All because I looked out the window and noticed the lawn.

Such avalanches of self-abusive thinking are my biggest stumbling block right now. Fortunately, I can usually step back and say to myself, "This is an irrational thought pattern, Monte." Unfortunately, the self-destructive yearning tends to linger even so. This is the sort of pattern that was happening constantly at work, and which has landed me in the position of not being able to work at all just now. My challenge is to find ways to tame this sort of thinking. In the past, I had some measure of success using the tools of "cognitive behavior therapy," but those methods lost their effectiveness. My error, I believe, was focusing too much on a small number of tools. As I move forward, I hope to harness the power of a much greater arsenal, so that no single method loses its effectiveness through overuse.

I'll end with a photo my sister took of some birds that are awaiting me in Washington, Evening Grosbeaks.

Mid-May Monte Report

When I woke up yesterday, it occurred to me that it was the first day in around three months that there was really no reason to get out of bed. There was nothing to pack, nothing to move, no one else in the house (except my brother's dog). Oh there is plenty for me to do -- I brought lots of stuff to keep me occupied here in Arizona while my brother is at work, plus there's loads of birdwatching to do. But nothing sounded worthwhile enough to entice me to get out of bed. It was scary.

I imagine that I've been standing at the base of a mountain, with my back to it. And now I've been forced against my will to turn around and look at it. It's a mountain I know I have to climb, but it is so daunting a challenge that I'm afraid to take the first step. It's both daunting, and taunting: I can see giant billboards that no one else can see, signs that say "You're such a loser, Monte!" and "You're so pathetic!" and "Surely your California friends are glad you're moving away!" and "You can't even hold down the simplest of jobs!" In other words, I suck and shouldn't even try to get over the mountain.

There's still a small part of me that knows I'm not thinking rationally. But it's a small part of me, and it's tired and bruised. My hope is that in a few days I'll grow weary of feeling sorry for myself, and I'll resume the journey towards mental health, the journey that began in earnest when I was in the hospital four years ago, but which somehow stalled over the past year. For now, though, I'm not feeling very optimistic.

Early May Monte Report

In a few hours I will be fully moved out of my apartment, moving into a state of housing limbo. I'll spend much of May in Arizona with my brother, before returning to my parents' house for a while, followed by the final move to Washington. I don't know exactly when I'll end up in Washington, so stay tuned.

Moving has proven to quite onerous and frustrating. After the flop with the rented moving truck, I began moving my remaining belongings to my parents' house - and no matter how many trips I made, I never was able to accurately gauge how many more trips would be necessary. (I've already made 11 trips...) Today, as I leave for the final time, my car will be jam packed, threatening to require two trips today - and I thought I'd have room to spare with just one!

Anyway, on the mood front, I'd been doing really well for the past week or two as I worked full-time at moving. Most evenings were spent saying final goodbyes to various people. Last night, though, at a Cinco de Mayo party, I allowed myself to be triggered in a bad way, the worst in weeks: I concluded that I was no longer welcome at the party, and at home a short while later my mood just got worse and worse and worse. Finally I managed to summon the energy to pick up the phone and call the party's host and seek more information on what I had perceived. And of course my perception was entirely skewed, and there was no reason whatsoever for me to have felt unwelcome. So I'll take a pat on the back for taking the initiative to fight that trigger. Right now I am beating myself up somewhat over the possibility that I'll need to make two trips today to my parents' house, but it's pretty minor.

Besides being sad to leave so many friends behind, I'm also quite sad to leave this apartment with its spectacular river-side view (see photo), but I'm glad that this nightmare of packing and moving out is all but over. The task of UNpacking is still ahead, of course, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.