Early April Monte Report

Things were humming along pretty nicely until about a week ago. A week ago my mood took a hit and so this past week has been somewhat troublesome. I haven't been swamped with suicidal thinking, though. I was first triggered by a fun dinner date with a friend from out of town that was cut off too short for my taste. This is a pattern I've noticed: a big let down following something fun. Then I continued to stumble throughout the week at work. "My mind is playing tricks on me" is how I'm trying to perceive what's happening when things go "wrong" at work -- like when I'm feeling left out of the "in" crowd, or feeling like my boss is annoyed with me for some inexplicable reason. It's somewhat helpful to acknowledge the fact that what's happening is probably the result of some kind of distorted thinking. (Patterns of distorted thinking is an avenue of the fight against my depression that I need to spend more time on.) I still take small doses of Xanax and Seroquel regularly during the work day, to get me through the rough spots.

My doctor decreased my evening dosage of Seroquel (from 300mg to 200mg) in order to hopefully decrease the amount of sleeping I'm doing. So far I'm still sleeping a lot (10-12 hours/night), but it has gotten easier to drag myself out of bed in the morning.

Here are some snippets from "Coping With Depression" by Dr. Jon Allen, in which he emphasizes the fact that a person has "agency" in the fight with depression; that is, a person has some capacity to fight, despite the fact that one's agency is constrained by depression:

"I am emphasizing agency for two reasons: first, I want to encourage active coping; second, I want to discourage self-blame. . . . To the extent that your illness constrains your agency, you can absolve yourself of responsibility for your plight; to the extent that your agency is preserved, you must take responsibility for your plight." [emphasis added]

That is to say, one must fight to the extent that one is able, but one mustn't blame oneself if the depression interferes with one's "agency."

"When you run into trouble, you must become more self-aware so as to enhance your agency and thereby exert greater control over your actions. . . . Agency entails activity; its converse is passivity. Agency entails power and control. When your agency is undermined, you feel powerless and out of control -- acted upon rather than acting on your own behalf."

and

"To varying degrees, constraints limit your agency. . . . Constraints abound. . . . Your environment imposes innumerable constraints. . . . Factors within you impose constraints. . . . Constraints are potentially depressing to the degree that they undermine your agency."

The bottom line is, I gotta fight to the extent that I can, but to the extent that I can't fight, it's not my "fault" that I'm depressed. The question is: to what extent can I fight my depression? I take my meds as prescribed, I attend my appointments without fail, I keep friends and family updated with this blog, I drag myself to work every day, I enthusiastically say "I'm doing great!" when customers ask how I'm doing, I force myself to go hiking even when I don't feel like it, I socialize even when I'm not in the mood, I read books on depression . . . I think I put up a pretty good fight. But of course there's no room for complacency.

And so the struggle continues . . .