Late September Monte Report

Well, it's been a while since I've written a Monte Report. In August my psychiatrist lowered the dosage of one of my main medications (Seroquel) because it was making me sleep too much. But my mood has gradually declined since then -- I guess the higher dose was doing something good for me. So today he increased the dosage of one of my other medications (Wellbutrin). We'll see whether that helps. Although my mood has declined of late, it isn't all that bad -- I'm not delving into suicidal thinking at this point, for example. So, I don't have a whole lot to complain about.

I had a good visit with my parents in Washington earlier this month. (The picture above is the view from their back porch.) I spent a week with them, and got to see my sister and her family as well. It was especially nice to see my niece and nephews for the first time in nearly a year. A bonus was seeing two species of birds that I'd never seen before (Northern Goshawk and Bohemian Waxwing).

I'm still waiting to find out if my supervisor will be moving away soon. So it's still up in the air as to whether I'll have the option to pursue a promotion in the near future. At this point I've managed to postpone the stress of that decision until the day comes to make it.

I'm still enjoying my new apartment, and my short walk to and from work each day. I have yet to fully take advantage of my location near downtown -- that is, I haven't done much walking to downtown shops, restaurants and theaters. But that will come with time, I'm sure. I've acquired a washer and dryer. Though there was some drama in getting them hooked up and running properly (dryer vent ducting that didn't want to attach properly, and an overflowing washer drain pipe), things are now running smoothly.

Here's a short quote from Dr. Allen's book Coping With Depression:

"At any time in life, secure attachment provides an antidote to stress, whereas insecure attachment is a prominent source of stress."

My most prominent "insecure attachment" is with my boss (my supervisor's boss, that is). I obsess about whether he thinks highly of me as an employee and as a friend, and I latch on to any piece of evidence (even the flimsiest or most questionable evidence) that he doesn't value me -- and then use that to beat myself up and heap doubts upon the relationship. Today, for example, in a conversation with me and another employee he made significantly more eye contact with the other employee than with me -- and I used that as evidence that he doesn't care about me. That's the sort of thing that messes with my head. At this point I'm sort of at a loss as to how to evolve this relationship into a secure attachment. It's hard for me to use self-talk to argue the case against my messed up thinking, but clearly that's what I need to do, because this particular insecure attachment is a significant source of stress for me.