Late November Monte Report

Last month I forgot to report on my situation at work. As it turns out, my supervisor is NOT leaving anytime soon. So, for the time being, it's a moot point as to whether I want to take over his job. Instead, I've taken on the duties of a Vault Teller, thus relieving my supervisor of some of his workload. This change is much more low key than a promotion to Teller Supervisor would have been. So far, it's been a mixed bag of fun and stress. As I get used to the position though, I expect the stress associated with it to dissipate.

Meanwhile, a pattern seems to have developed in my life: weekdays go pretty well, while weekends are very challenging. I simply don't have the ability to entertain myself anymore. So, it takes great effort to drag myself out of bed on weekends. In an ideal world, I'd get up extra early on weekends in order to go birdwatching. But that's just not happening. I really need to get a handle on my weekends -- it's just not healthy for me to stay in bed until early afternoon.

One stress that I'm facing is a change to our health insurance plan at work. The new plan is more or less screwing me over. My medical expenses are increasing dramatically -- so much so that I'm going to need to cut back on things like therapy and my medications. It's definitely not an ideal solution to my budget woes, but I feel as though I don't have a choice. I'm hopeful that I can make these changes without a serious impact on my mental health. On a positive note, I've been regularly attending Al-anon twice a week this past month, and that's a free form of "therapy" for me.

A quote from Coping With Depression by Jon Allen on "Self-critical Depression":

"The self-critical pattern of depression is associated with feelings of low self-worth and hopelessness. Self-critical individuals struggle with a sense of inadequacy, inferiority, or worthlessness . . . They may compensate for feelings of inferiority by relentless striving for success -- at the extreme, becoming perfectionistic. Yet any real success will feel hollow to the extent that the sense of worthlessness endures."

My depression fits with this model. I've had an "inferiority complex" for as long as I can remember. My striving to do well in school, followed by my struggle to be the best employee I can be, are a result of my perfectionism. And since perfection is impossible to achieve, I'm doomed to failure, and that failure to achieve perfection feeds my feelings of low self-worth. It's a vicious cycle that I feel powerless over . . .

P.S. That's a Wild Turkey up there. Happy Thanksgiving!