Late January Monte Report

Well, February was more or less an okay month for me. My weekends are still challenging, but not as much as they had been in January and earlier. Work, since the cutbacks last month, has been challenging too -- the work itself is more challenging, and it's challenging to have a job that I don't like as much as I used to.

One thing that I've been working on with Patrick (my therapist) has to do with my lack of "success" at work, particularly when compared with my boss. My boss has been extraordinarily successful. However, I used to be HIS boss; he long ago leap-frogged over me. When I compare myself to him, I feel like a complete loser. It's hard to accept the reality of the situation, which is that I'm hindered by a disease, and that that disease prevents me from doing certain kinds of work -- work which requires a much higher degree of self-confidence and self-esteem than I currently possess. I simply don't have what it takes to succeed in positions of higher responsibility. I can't handle the stress of these higher level positions, as evidenced by the fact that I failed when I was the supervisor a few years back.

Dr. Allen in Coping With Depression says the following regarding stress:

"[P]sychiatric disorders typically result from multiple adversities that interact with each other. Most problematic are negative chain reactions in which the individual's response to stress creates additional stress.”

But . . .

“[F]ortunately, positive chain reactions also occur when strengths promote successes that afford opportunities for additional growth and for coping with challenges.” [pg 89]

I clearly suffered from these negative chain reactions with respect to job stress when I was the supervisor a while back, which largely explains my failure to succeed. So, one challenge for me right now is to accept my limitations, and remind myself that they are primarily due to an illness and not to character defects. Perhaps in the future I'll enjoy the second scenario, with positive chain reactions piling successes on successes -- but I'm not going to hold my breath.