Late April Monte Report

Well, let's see. I haven't done the dishes since February. I haven't taken out the trash or the recycling in several weeks. My apartment is a pig sty. I've abandoned all pretense of trying to sort out my storage locker. I haven't been to church in a couple of months. I've stopped going to Al-anon meetings. My car is way overdue for a check-up. I've been binging on ice cream on a regular basis. I've been going out to eat almost every day. I've been taking Xanax almost every day. I've been sleeping 11 hours a day. Going to work in the morning has been making me cry. And I've been fantasizing about killing myself. I guess it's time to admit that I'm really depressed. I barely made it through the day at work today. Fortunately, my direct supervisor is very supportive, providing hugs, hot chocolate and moral support. My "boss" (my direct supervisor's direct supervisor) knows I'm a mess these days, but isn't as supportive, which is bothersome. He does try, though, and I should give him some credit. He's just too busy, I guess, to pay a whole lot of attention to me. He did encourage me to feel free to find a middle ground between never calling in sick (which is practically my habit) and calling in sick for weeks at a time -- in other words, to call in sick for a day or two when I'm really depressed in order to stave off a full-blown breakdown. There have been three occasions in which I've missed weeks or months of work due to my depression. Hopefully, by communicating with my supervisors about my needs, and keeping y'all informed, I can avoid a major breakdown.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist this Friday, and I'm hoping he'll increase the dosage of one or more of my medications. We'll see. I've been working closely with my therapist on my work-related "issues", and that's been helpful.

On the positive front, I've been hanging out with friends regularly, and I've been hiking most Saturdays and Sundays. I've also been taking a planned day off here and there just to get a break from work, and those days have been hiking days too.

I'll keep you posted on how this bout progresses.

For this month's installment of Dr. Allen's Coping With Depression, here's a quote about the importance of support:

"A sense of failure, low self-esteem, and lack of self-confidence ... play an important role in the transition from stress to a sense of defeat and hopelessness. ... [A] close and supportive relationship can be a buffer for a person with low self-esteem. Such a relationship fosters hope because it offers the prospect of additional resources that will help the person cope; when you don't feel up to the challenge, having help makes all the difference." [pg 96]

Of course, I am fortunate to have many supportive people in my life -- people like those who read this blog, for instance, and my Mom and my direct supervisor and other friends and family. For some reason, though, it irks me that my boss's efforts to be supportive leave something to be desired. I wish I understood why this is so important to me. Maybe it's because I see him as a parental-figure, and as such he's not living up to the responsibilities that I expect from a parental-figure. Hmmmmm . . .