Late May Monte Report

As you may have heard by now, the past two months have NOT been hunky-dory -- not by a long shot. I was supposed to celebrate two years of being un-depressed on May 6th -- but that party had to be canceled. I tried to deny it for as long as I could, but at a certain point it became farcical to keep pretending I wasn't really depressed. So yes, I am depressed. Again. And have been for the past six or seven weeks now. The "triggers" that keep hitting me are pretty identifiable, but since some of them are work-related I won't go into detail here.

The good news, though, is that I'm not feeling suicidal. The frequency of my visits to my therapist and psychiatrist have increased dramatically, and my medications have been ramped back up. And I'm trying very hard to "take care of" myself, by not being self critical over things like the veritable mountain of dishes in my kitchen, or the glacier of recyclables that is creeping around my apartment and which threatens to consume unwary visitors. I'm doing things I like to do. I'm not moping -- not at all. I am worried, though, that I might let this depression ruin yet another summer of my life in terms of keeping me from enjoying the out-of-doors as much as I "ought" to -- and I'm trying not to be self-critical about my as-yet failure to get my butt into the woods this year (I can blame that partly on the crappy weather we've been having).

In addition to having work-related triggers, my work-place is undergoing a rapid evolution from one status quo to a new one. In the new one, my job will be eliminated (my title and responsibilities will change, but not a whole lot), and though I have thoroughly enjoyed the position I've held for the past two and a half years, I have zero desire to continue with it under the new status quo (in other words, I'm GLAD my position is being eliminated). We are in-between CEOs at the moment, and I haven't the faintest idea if the new CEO will accept our new status quo, or create a whole new one altogether. So, things at work are changing, and will continue to change for several more weeks (or even months) -- and so I'm not too concerned about tackling my current "problems", because some of them might disappear all by themselves. Instead, I'm resigned to being grumpy and melancholic for a little while. If things don't start to improve in a few weeks, or if I can't soon see the light at the end of the tunnel, or if things take a marked turn for the worse, then yes: I will switch to a more aggressive approach to maintaining my sanity. Otherwise, I am confident that there's a corner to be found somewhere around here, and that I'll manage to find it and turn it and return to the happy state I was in a couple months ago.

Late March Monte Report

Back in 2003, when I first got out of the hospital, I had my own private support group -- we called it Team Monte -- and at first we met every week (again: my never-ending thanks to those who participated!). From weekly Team Monte meetings, where my major woes were discussed and trouble-shooted, it has now come down to brief, every-other-month updates on The Monte Report that basically keep saying the same thing: "Things are going great!" What a change! Who'da thunk?

Soon after my January update, I once more resumed a wheat-free diet. Whether I have "Celiac Disease" or "Gluten Sensitivity" or something else altogether is still unclear. Evidence suggests, however, that my body is better off when I minimize my wheat consumption. And it turns out that the medical community HAS found a link between untreated, asymptomatic Celiac Disease and mental health problems. My primary care physician was not surprised in the least when I reported that further (and significant) improvement in my mental health coincided with the elimination of wheat from my diet. My psychiatrist also says that there is a known connection between successful treatment of physical "inflammatory" diseases (like Celiac Disease) and the subsequent relief of psychiatric symptoms. So, I am happily avoiding wheat, and my mood continues to remain stable and positive.

One activity that I have been investing more and more time in over the past year is journaling. (Many of you know that I've got most of a lifetime's worth of journaling under my belt, but the volume of my writing fluctuates greatly from year to year.) I've been exploring my mental state a lot in my journal lately. For instance, a couple weeks ago I experienced what used to be a very typical "trigger" situation for me: the circumstances (timing, activity, people involved etc) was essentially identical to many, many previous situations that triggered my depression. But this time, I came out of it completely unscathed. In this example, the trigger was the "end" of an especially fun experience. What typically would happen is an excessive "let down" feeling afterward -- not a "suicidal depression", but a significantly "down" feeling that is not a productive response to having had a great experience. This time, however, I continued to feel great about the experience well after it was over. In the ensuing days I wrote extensively about it in my journal. The "conclusion" I came to was that the difference now is that after the "great" experience was over I returned to my "normal" life, which also happens to be "great" right now. In the past, I think what I "wanted" was for the feelings associated with the good experience to continue indefinitely because the alternative (my "real" life) was not associated with similar feelings. But now my "real" life IS associated with good feelings. I guess that's not really rocket science, but it was still a fantastic thought process for me.

Okay, that's it for now. I'll report back in a couple months!

Late January Monte Report

Hello!

The Monte Report is now FIVE YEARS OLD! I am incredibly grateful to everyone who reads my blog -- whether I see or talk to you every day, or once a week, or just a couple times a year, I am certain that your support, good thoughts and positive vibes are doing me a world of good. And so, once again, I want to sincerely thank you.

As you may have noticed, there was no "Late December Monte Report" last month. I guess I'm doing so well that it just slipped my mind! A few months into The Monte Report's first year, I settled into a rhythm of three Reports per month. Eventually that evolved into two Reports per month, and finally just one Report per month. With things going as well as they are, I feel it is time to cut back again, to one Report every two months. It seems that not enough happens in just a month to warrant a post that simply says, "Everything is fine -- see ya next month." I think what I'd rather do is share my thoughts less often -- but share more of those thoughts on how I'm doing, and why I think I'm doing as well as I am. So, we'll see how that goes.

As for how I'm doing, it's not just that nothing "bad" has happened lately: I'm actually doing great! -- even better than I've been doing for the past 18 months. When coworkers or members that I help at work ask how I'm doing, I generally respond with "I'm doing great!" -- and I actually mean it! However, I don't think I have a good explanation as to "why" I'm doing so well. Not that an explanation is required, I'm simply quite curious. And, knowing why I'm doing so incredibly well could prove valuable in the future if things start slipping.

For now, though, I'm simply noting all the evidence that I'm doing "great." For example: I've been popping out of bed two or three hours earlier than necessary each day, feeling eager to get a start on my day. I've taken a greater interest in the birds around me, updating and maintaining my (gigantic!) bird sightings spreadsheet for the first time since 2007. I am NOT getting bent out of shape by the workplace "drama" that is going on -- the kind of drama that in the past would have me fuming and writing vitriolic emails and composing drafts of a letter of resignation. I actually look forward to going to work each day, and when the workday ends I look forward to going home and starting the cycle anew the next day. I engage in "TGIF" comments with everyone else on Fridays -- and I certainly enjoy and appreciate my weekends -- but come Sunday night I don't mind at all that my weekend is over and that I have to go back to work in the morning. Although I'm hoping/planning/resolving to lose weight this year, I have not yet begun to "try" to lose weight -- and yet I've lost about seven pounds so far this month simply, I guess, because I'm eating more "good" food and less "bad" food.

Those are the main bits of "evidence" that demonstrate to me that I'm really enjoying my life right now. Maybe this is all simply a result of sleeping less. Instead of sleeping 12-15 hours a night, I'm now sleeping just 7 or 8 hours. I attribute this in part to getting habituated to my CPAP machine, and in part to changes in my medication regimen -- which consists primarily of the elimination or reduction of certain medications. Maybe it's a result of a reduction in the environmental (ie social) "triggers" in my life. In the past I put a lot of effort into trying to identify those triggers, and then control my response to them. While my ability to respond to them has certainly increased, the fact of the matter is that there simply aren't as many of those trigger-ish situations in my life. The fact that I stopped eating wheat three months ago could also play a role -- who knows? (I'm back to eating wheat products again, at least temporarily, while my doctors decide what my latest blood test indicates.)

Anyway, I realize that things can change quickly, so I'm trying to enjoy this while it lasts. At the same time, though, I believe that the more I understand what's going on in my head, the more I'll be able to steer things in a positive direction as the circumstances around me change over time. So, thanks again for the support, and I'll check in with you later!