January 28, 2006

I haven't decided on when or how often I'll be posting new Monte Report blog entries. My initial idea was once/week, but it may just depend more upon my energy level and whether or not there is anything interesting to report.

This past week was a rough one. I'm having more and more trouble avoiding/handling the major triggers that pummel me at work, and my ability to fight them (the triggers) is negligible these days. But I think I fake it pretty well while I'm at work, so I don't think it's very noticeable to most people (though I do communicate about it with several key confidants at work). But for the last three nights in a row I went straight to bed upon getting home, with heavy doses of Xanax to ensure a thought-less, sleepful night. It's now Saturday morning, and as soon as I sign off I plan to crawl back into bed and return to a non-thinking mode of existence. (That's more or less what I mean when I refer to "hermit-mode.")

It has become clear over the past couple months that working 40 hours/week is simply not something I am capable of doing on a long-term sustainable basis. The weariness I feel upon getting home greatly interferes with accomplishing normal household tasks like cleaning, laundry, the dirty dishes, and eating anything remotely nutritious. I've begun CONFIDENTIAL discussions with my boss about my future at the CU, and I suspect that there will be (yet another) significant change put into place sometime in the next few months. We'll see. My primary goal is to remain a productive member of the workforce in one way or another, and since I really can't imagine finding a workplace that is as loving, encouraging and supportive of my "special" needs, it really seems essential that I continue working at the CU in some way, shape or form, otherwise the only alternative seems to be unemployment/disability.

Thanks to everyone who read my first blog entry and for your warm wishes and support!

Love,
Monte

PS I had to have one of my molars extracted all of a sudden last Friday -- it had broken clean in half down to the roots. I guess I'm grinding my teeth a lot in my sleep.

PPS In you interested in data compiled from the Monte Mood Scale, click on the Monte Mood Scale link . . .

My First Blog-based Report!

It's a little bit late for me to wish you "Happy Holidays!" -- whichever one(s) you do or do not celebrate. But this year I am at least getting this note out into the universe -- in the form of my first blog posting ever -- within a few weeks of Christmas (the first "Christmas Card" of any sort that I've produced since college, I believe). Some of you have not heard a peep from me in many years, others I just saw yesterday. Still others fall along the spectrum in-between those extremes. So, the question "What's new with Monte?" has many different answers, depending upon how up-to-date you are. To make this missive informative and interesting to all of you therefore poses a challenge. So, for those of you who wish for either more or less details than I am offering, I ask for your understanding.

The Life of Monte continues to play out in [same county, same state as before]. About three years ago I moved three miles up the river, from [old town] to [new town], and have a nice, spacious apartment with a fantastic view of the River. So far I've seen nearly fifty species of birds at my feeders or from my porch. My tenure at work is now in excess of a dozen years. My job title changes regularly, and is currently "Head Teller" -- though in many ways I continue to play the role of "All-Purpose-Employee" -- a role that seems to suit both me and the CU well, but which doesn't have a clear job description, hence the frequent changes in job title and corresponding (but usually minor) tweaking of my formal job responsibilities.

Though I am (apparently permanently) single and childless, my extended family has grown considerably over the years, and I now have five nephews and a niece, ranging in age from five weeks to nearly twelve years old, each of whom is (of course) brilliant and beautiful and destined for greatness. My "greater" extended family, including Aunts, Uncles, cousins, etc, has grown tremendously, and I long ago lost track of all the names. But, alas, in the natural course of time, death always eventually follows life, and the family experienced a major loss just a week ago with the passing of the patriarch on my Mother's side: my Grandpa Shorty died on January 8, 2006 at the age of ninety. His direct descendants now number fifty-five, including eighteen grandchildren and thirty-one great-grandchildren, most of whom were able to join the throngs at his funeral two days ago. Though I didn't spend nearly as much time with him as most of the others in my family, and though I hadn't seen him in something like five years, my Grandpa Shorty had a significant influence on me, igniting within me (and/or fanning the flames thereof) a love of history, story-telling, conversation, writing, journaling, reading, nature, good humor and hearty belly-laughter (not to mention a lust for ice cream!). I will miss him greatly.

More generally, living the Life of Monte continues to be like living on a roller coaster that has no beginning or end. The smooth straight parts are separated by sharp curves, steep hills and looptiloops -- many of which catch me quite by surprise and are rather unpleasant. Though I've been on this roller coaster for as long as I can remember, it has only been within the past few years that I have begun to realize and appreciate the safety harness that keeps me from actually being ejected. My safety harness is made up of family, friends and coworkers (in addition to "professional help" and medication), and its strength grows all the time. However, just as when one rides a "real" roller coaster, I often forget that the harness is there, particularly when a sharp curve in the tracks appears out of nowhere and leaves me fearing for my life. But, the learning process never ends -- and as my hopes fade that the ride will ever stop, I continually learn better ways to use the strengths of my safety harness to bolster my confidence and my sense of safety and security.

In closing, I want to say Thank You for being a loving and supportive presence in my life. Whether I see you once a month, once a decade, or five days a week, you are important to me, and your good thoughts and encouragement help to sustain me. Even if I rarely see you or rarely respond to your letters, emails or phone messages, please know that I appreciate the time and effort you put into the attempt to keep our connection alive. Even if you long ago gave up and stopped reaching out, I still know that you wish me well.

Though I can't make any promises, I certainly hope that my ability to invest in the human connections in my life will grow rather than stagnate (or diminish) over time. Either way, however, I sincerely wish you and your loved ones all the health and happiness that the universe can muster.

Love,

Monte