Early October Monte Report

The whole purpose of the Monte Report is to keep people honestly informed on how I'm doing. And to be honest, I'm doing very poorly. Yesterday, strangely enough, I was fine. Today, though, I'm near rock bottom, and it's all I can do to keep from hurting myself. This is the worst I've felt since the day in May last year when I last cut myself. I'm worried about being able to afford the rent on my new apartment, and I'm worried about how I'll perform when I go back to work. The former depends upon my success at the latter, and the thought that keeps coursing through my mind is "I'll simply kill myself if it doesn't work out." And then I start wondering whether I should even bother trying. "Why put my family and friends through the trouble of witnessing me flail for another few months? Why not just kill myself today and get it over with?" And it's really difficult for me to counter that argument.

I don't know what else to say. I could list all the things that have gone wrong over the past couple days, just to help you feel sorry for me. Like the fact that I got squeezed into a too-expensive apartment at the last minute because some stranger changed their mind about moving out of the apartment that I was supposed to end up in. Or the fact that one of my crowns fell out on Sunday and it turns out my dentist is on vacation. Or the birds that I killed on the highway, including the sparrow that got so tangled in my windshield wipers that I had to forcibly wrench it to get it off. Or the fact that I'm leaving on my tenth round trip to Washington this year at four in the morning tomorrow, a fifteen hour non-stop trip. Or the fact that I'm faced with the overwhelming task of moving way too much crap into my new apartment. These are all things I should be able to cope with, but which accumulate in my brain to make me go haywire. And so I'm about to drug myself with sleeping pills so that I can at least be asleep and not be depressed for a few hours.