Mid-October Monte Report

As you've probably heard, I didn't become homeless after all. I'm living in a small (475 sq ft) mobile home in a small park owned by my former landlord, just a hundred yards from where I was living before. And I'm now back at work, doing my same job as before. I'm REALLY excited about being back at work, and I received a very warm welcome back from everyone. I didn't realize how much I'd missed it, both the work and the people.

I've only worked two days so far, but both days I dreaded the end of the workday and the subsequent return to my life outside of work. Likewise I'm dreading the coming weekend. I seem to have completely lost the ability to entertain myself, and I also lack the motivation to deal with all the unpacking that there is still left to do. This doesn't bode well. I need to have a fulfilling life both at work and away from work. Unfortunately I've fallen into a familiar rut where it's hard for me to reach out to anyone to initiate outside-of-work socializing. Plus I'm reluctant to accept invitations from others, out of a fear of who-knows-what. So I'm feeling isolated and lonely outside of work. While at work, though, I've so far been able to "fake it" and keep a smile on my face. That's my goal at work, to "fake it so's I'll make it" -- to keep my depression from expressing itself at work. I used to do it all the time, so I've had plenty of practice. But then again, I hid it so well that it ultimately landed me in the hospital for two months back in '03. Hopefully I've learned a thing or two since then, and can keep this from evolving into a landslide back into the major gloom & doom.

As for the new medication that I'm on, I'm inclined to think it's not going to cut it after all. It's probably a bit too early to say for sure, but it's supposed to be a fast-acting drug. At first I thought it was helping, but I suppose that that might have simply been an adrenalin rush resulting from my return to California. In any case, I'm scheduled to see my doctor in a couple weeks, and we can assess it at that point.

Thanks to everyone for their warm wishes and encouragement regarding my decision to return to California. It's helped a lot . . .