Late September Monte Report

Change is afoot! My recent visit to California -- in particular the visits I had with friends there -- finally convinced me that I'm not ready or able to try and put down new roots in Washington. And so, my move to Washington is being aborted.

It's all happening very quickly, but it looks like I'll be living in the same building as before, just one apartment over. And I've been in touch with my former boss about possibly returning to work there, and that looks promising. Right now I'm in a major moving mode, with several fast and furious round trips between Washington and California planned over the next couple weeks, all scheduled around various doctors appointments in both places. Complicating matters is the fact that my parents are moving out of California in about three weeks, so I won't have a "home base" to work from while I resettle myself. Finding a place to lay my head for the night won't be the problem, rather the hassle of moving my stuff around while I await for my new apartment to be vacated (the date of which is not yet determined) will be.

The bottom line of my decision has to do with the fact that I'm feeling pretty miserable, and the prospects for radical improvement in Washington seem slim. Even if my new medication is a wonder drug, I still am without a social life. The pace at which I am able to make new friends is measured on a geological time scale, and I'm just not prepared to start all over from scratch. Seeing my friends in California this past week just made it so clear to me that now is not the time to face the challenge of starting over. Starting over from scratch out of a desire for something new is one thing; doing so out of desperation is another.

My mantra this past week is something along the lines of "I'm going to be miserable either way, and I'd rather be miserable in California" -- where I have friends, where there are restaurants and grocery stores and movie theaters and a community that I feel a part of. I regret the hassle involved, especially the hassle that this causes my family. But I gotta do what I gotta do to improve my chances of finding happiness. My apologies also go out to my Pacific Northwest pals that I didn't get around to visiting during my brief foray up here. Your support of my move up here is appreciated, and I'm sad that I won't be living close to you after all.

Anyway, that's the Monte Report for now. My access to a computer may be limited over the next few weeks, so you may not hear from me for a while, but I'll try and keep in touch.

Mid-September Monte Report

My weaning off of Parnate continues. A couple more weeks and I should be down to zero. Though my mood has continued to deteriorate as my dose has decreased, I don't feel any more likely to hurt myself than usual -- so that's the silver lining I guess. I am feeling optimistic that my new medication (yet to be determined) will pull me up out of this morass. I'm also realizing that I need to move back to California sooner or later. Once I'm feeling stabilized I'm going to need to have a social life again, and I don't think I'm up to the challenge of starting from scratch up here in Washington. The thought of moving again stresses me out to the max, but the thought of NOT moving again stresses me out even more. At this point, though, it's still too early to be making any sort of real decision about the matter.

I'm going to be in California briefly this week, and that's got its own stresses attached to it, primarily in the fact that there are more people that I want to visit with than time will allow. For those that I'm not seeing, I hope you won't take it personally.

Finally, that's a picture of a Lincoln's Sparrow. It's one of my favorite birds, and I saw one in my yard a couple days ago. And no, it's not named after the President, but rather it was named by Audubon after his friend Thomas Lincoln.

Early September Monte Report

Nothing much new to report. I'm still feeling pretty lousy, pretty consistently -- but I'm not experiencing as much suicidal thinking as one might expect. Instead I'm just lethargic and unmotivated all the time, spending as much time in bed as I do out of bed. One worry that has begun to pester me is whether moving to Washington was such a good idea. Although I didn't have a whole lot of choice in coming here to begin with, I'm finding it really hard to imagine staying here for the long term. As a result, I'm finding that I'm not interested in doing any more unpacking. That may just be because of the depression, or it may be because I'm subconsciously planning to move back to California as soon as it is practical to do so.

My weaning off of the Parnate continues; I'll be down to 40mg/day starting this Friday (down from 70mg/day). I haven't noticed a significant worsening of my depression since I began the weaning, but I'm trying to mentally prepare for the worst as I get closer to zero.

I just heard a California Quail outside the window, so that's why he gets his picture in my blog . . .