Early November Monte Report

(In case you're wondering, I do get tired of posting grim updates on my blog . . .) As I should have expected, the roller coaster ride that constitutes my mood continues, with a distinct slump currently in progress. About four or five days ago my mood began to tank for no really good reason. There are definitely stressors in abundance, but they were all there before my mood dropped. I have this sense that I'm approaching the edge of disaster, that I am about to be overwhelmed by the minutiae of simply running my life. I've made very little progress in terms of unpacking. I've begun to hate my house -- it's too small, it's too close to my neighbors so there's no sense of privacy, the noise from traffic and the neighbors wakes me up at all hours, the hot water isn't hot enough, and so on. But the thought of moving again makes me more depressed than just about anything else. My job still provides some of the only relief from my depressed mood, though I am spending a lot of my free time with friends -- and that helps. Still, I'm terrified that things will continue to get worse and that my ability to keep working will be compromised. That would definitely be a very dangerous situation for me to find myself in. I try to remember my Misery Mantra -- that if I'm going to be miserable, I might as well be miserable right where I am and with my current job. Misery seems to be my destiny in life. Thoughts of suicide are dancing in my head all day and all night right now. I just keep asking myself how long can I continue to endure it? Can I make it til the roller coaster is on the upswing again? If the past is any indication, then of course I'll make it -- I always have before. But I keep wondering, "What if this time it's for real? What if it really IS time to kill myself?" Fortunately, I'm probably too wimpy to go through with it. At the same time, these feelings I'm going through are sheer torture. I don't think that's much of an exaggeration: merely living just seems to be a form of torture at times.

Anyway, hopefully I'll be on the upswing again by the time I post my next entry.