Late January Monte Report

I'm finally back in therapy. It's a long, boring story why I've not been seeing my therapist, but I finally saw him a couple days ago for the first time since my return to California in October. Perhaps he can help guide me safely through these difficult times.

The new thyroid medication that I'm taking is called "Armour Thyroid," and from what I've read on the internet (admittedly an unreliable source of information) it may be just what I've been looking for. A lot of people with hypothyroidism and depression seem to respond better to Armour Thyroid than they do to the more commonly used thyroid medications (which makes me wonder why my doctor didn't prescribe it years ago). And the last few days have in fact seen some slight improvement in my mood. Yesterday I began to come down with a flu or something, so I'm feeling pretty crappy today. And all this freakin' rain has been wearing on me. But my hopes are up for some marked improvement in my condition. We'll see . . .

Mid-January Monte Report

Well, the Monte Report is back to bitching and moaning again. I'm having a very negative reaction to a situation at work, and it has left me feeling so hopeless about my future that I've begun to think not just in terms of "Should I kill myself?" but rather "When should I kill myself?" (and "How should I kill myself?"). So, suicidal thinking is dominating my life right now. -- My parents are out of the country for three weeks and I'm not about to ruin their vacation by killing myself while they're gone, so I'll be sticking around at least through the first week of February. But the thought of ceasing to exist after that is very appealing right now. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what's bouncing around inside my skull right now.

On Tuesday my thyroid doctor prescribed a new medication that might help with depression too, so maybe things will start to improve. And I'll also talk to my psychiatrist about upping the doses on my other meds when I see him next week. Hopefully these medication changes will do me some good. We'll see . . .

Early January Monte Report

My mood continues to be mostly stable. I'm assuming this newest drug that I'm on (Wellbutrin) is the source of this wellness. Getting moved in to my "new" place is still a very slow process, but it is happening, slowly but surely. I'm keeping myself fairly busy, though it does take considerable effort to conquer the urge to spend all my free time in bed, and weekends still pose a significant challenge. I'm going to church every other week on average, and that helps consume some of my free time on Sundays.

When I look toward the future though, I feel a sense of dread. A number of my local friends are preparing to move out of the area, and I can see much of my social life collapsing as a result. I'm so slow to make new friends, and anticipating even more loneliness in the future tends to summon feelings of despair and thoughts of suicide. When I think logically, I know that I'm capable of making new friends. And of course some friends aren't going anywhere. But I'm scared that new friendships won't happen again -- or won't happen fast enough to save me, and in anticipation of that despair my mind wanders to thoughts of just giving up now before things can get really bad. To combat this trap, I've been trying to do what my psychiatrist calls "showing up" -- that is, participating in social activities even when I feel hesitant to. I try to initiate activities with friends and I try to accept all invitations from others. In this way I'm keeping open to making new friends and to strengthening existing friendships.

So, things are improving, but old dysfunctional mental habits die hard.