Early January Monte Report

My mood continues to be mostly stable. I'm assuming this newest drug that I'm on (Wellbutrin) is the source of this wellness. Getting moved in to my "new" place is still a very slow process, but it is happening, slowly but surely. I'm keeping myself fairly busy, though it does take considerable effort to conquer the urge to spend all my free time in bed, and weekends still pose a significant challenge. I'm going to church every other week on average, and that helps consume some of my free time on Sundays.

When I look toward the future though, I feel a sense of dread. A number of my local friends are preparing to move out of the area, and I can see much of my social life collapsing as a result. I'm so slow to make new friends, and anticipating even more loneliness in the future tends to summon feelings of despair and thoughts of suicide. When I think logically, I know that I'm capable of making new friends. And of course some friends aren't going anywhere. But I'm scared that new friendships won't happen again -- or won't happen fast enough to save me, and in anticipation of that despair my mind wanders to thoughts of just giving up now before things can get really bad. To combat this trap, I've been trying to do what my psychiatrist calls "showing up" -- that is, participating in social activities even when I feel hesitant to. I try to initiate activities with friends and I try to accept all invitations from others. In this way I'm keeping open to making new friends and to strengthening existing friendships.

So, things are improving, but old dysfunctional mental habits die hard.